Thursday, September 29, 2011

#30, for you, Fran Smith.

I walked into the office last Thursday and saw a curious brown envelope on my desk, "Liza Turner" written neatly across the center. Upon opening, this is what I found...

"Community Stumped by Local’s Silence
Travel along KY 90 through the small community of Marrowbone and you might be surprised at the sights. In recent weeks small and oftentimes large groups of locals have begun clustering on the sidewalks, scratching their heads in puzzlement as all ask the same question – “What’s the deal?”

Marrowbone, a small hamlet some 10 miles north of Burkesville, is the home of Liza Turner who is responsible for putting the area on the map. The famed professor, world traveler, best friend to Caroline Kraft (of the Chicago Krafts), author and current librarian in Burkesville, returned to her roots just over a year ago, a move that thrilled those who know her as well as those who simply revere her. Turner’s fame only grew when she began writing her own blog in 2010, chronicling her adventures and mishaps as well as the goings on in her family, beloved dogs Willie and Lucy and whomever she happened to cross paths with at any given time.

One resident, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity since his goal is to marry the eligible spinster and have her bear his children, commented, “She’s a gosh darn local hero to us here in Marrowbone. That filly’s done put us on the map more times than I can count without taking my shoes off!”

The anonymous Marrowbonite admits he is as confused as any of his neighbors as to why Turner seems to have given up on her blog which she dubbed, “Pillow Book.” In 2010, she blogged some 86 entries detailing various recipes, local shopping and eating establishments, family celebrations, favorite songs and even a how-to pictorial on dog house construction. However to date in 2011, Turner has penned a measly 29 columns and frankly, residents are worried their hero has suffered a setback.

Some point fingers at her mother, retired teacher Jackie Turner, who admits a particular fondness for Black Jack bourbon. They fear the younger Turner may have also acquired a taste for the liquor. Everyone is in agreement that the young Turner’s fancy was focused on homemade moonshine before her mother’s influence took hold.

“She better not have ruined our little Liza,” quipped the anonymous Marrowbonite, spitting a mouthful of tobacco juice as he shook his finger at this reporter to make his point. “Everyone knows she’s a moonshine gal from way back.”

Local residents are so addicted to the column that they confess to reading it before they pick up the Farmer’s Almanac. They say Pillow Book more accurately tells them when to plant their ‘cukes and maters. “Why that little gal can read the weather better than any of them TV weatherman!” claims her potential suitor. “She follows them dogs ever morning, reads the signs and she used to tell all of us what the weather was gonna do.”

Marrowbonites are hopeful Turner will soon return to her Pillow Book-ing ways as their Farmer’s Almanacs are wearing thin. “I like looking at her in her pajamas and walking them dogs down the road and knowin’ she’s a thinkin’ of sumthin’ to write down in Pillow Book! Come back to us, Liza,” pleaded her biggest fan and hopeful father of her unborn children. “Why Marrowbone just ain’t the same without that Pillow Book to look forward to!”

Some have speculated a calico cat glimpsed in a Pillow Book video may have thrown Turner off her game while others firmly believe it was the romp through that field in Austria that changed her. Regardless of the reason, Marrowbonites are willing to forgive and forget as long as their beloved hero returns to her writing ways. “I’m crazy about that littler heifer,” vows her biggest admirer. “If we’d just start gettin’ more of them Pillow Books to read I jest know it could lead to our little paradise getting its own Wal-Mart!”

-Please proof – article set to appear in Marrowbone Chronicle 9-3-11"

Point taken, Fran Smith. I shall do better. ______________________________________________________
Speaking of the "Chicago Krafts," here are some scenes from my weekend visit.
Outside the Aragon Ballroom, just before The Avett Brothers concert.
It took some convincing, but I actually had this for breakfast (and no kidding, really enjoyed): frozen spinach, banana, blueberry/pomegranate juice).
One of my favorite things to do with my best friend: find a cozy coffee shop and just talk and laugh.
In honor of Tina Fey and Bossypants...
The bathroom at Open Books bookstore (Caroline volunteers here a couple of weekends/month).
Look out, Blake Lively, Alexis Bledel, and that magic pair of traveling pants. I can't wait to see where this purse travels over the course of the next 50 years (we both loved it and so decided to buy and share; I have it first).
How beautiful is this? Courtesy of a Miss Caroline Dale Kraft.

By the way...
Do you know how to poach an egg? Bring water to a slow boil (just when it starts to bubble). Add vinegar or salt and swirl around a bit. Crack egg in water. "Cook" for 4-6 minutes. Carefully lift out with spatula and serve on (buttered) toast. Top with a little salt, pepper, and herb of choice (Caroline used rosemary).