Ain't nobody got time for hairbrushes or clever titles.

In The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde concluded (when musing the relationship between experience and artistic proficiency), “He lives the poetry that he cannot write.” I feel like that’s been me for the past two years, and the past two months in particular. I’ve read in fits and spurts. I’ve journaled on random Tuesdays. I’ve crafted on rainy weekends. In reality though, I have done very little requiring sustained intellectual focus. A small part of me feels guilty, as though I should prioritize time for creativity and new knowledge no matter what else is going on; for there was a time in my life when this combination provided fulfillment and a sense of purpose. The much bigger part, however, simply feels grateful…for my husband, for my daughter, and for the life of poetry that I cannot write. As the renowned philosopher Doug Stone offered in the fall of 1992 (some 100 years after the publication of The Picture of Dorian Gray), ...

With that being said, recent conversations about motherhood have reminded me how nice it is to feel a sense of community when experiencing something out of the norm. As a result, I feel motivated to connect and to create. Considering I have not written anything in years, however, I figured it best to “write what I know,” to write my daily reality. Thus, here are some reflections from the past few months that some of you other parents might find relatable.

1.      Songs can be written about anything.

2.      It makes me sad that she seems to be getting used to the phone in my hand, but it’s hard not to take pictures all the time.

3.      Some people act like they have a “right” to see my child or as though I have personally offended them if I don’t want to take her many places. I don’t understand that.

4.      Just when I think, “You know, it would probably be easier to just carry her rather than take the car seat,” it isn’t.

5.      It’s difficult to accomplish things at home that require focus or thought. Even if she isn’t crying, I want to be there if she drops her paci, or spits up, or just seems to want attention. I now understand how stay-at-home moms might not have supper cooked or the house clean (which I didn’t get before Autumn came along).I’m not complaining though; I like that she makes me slow down. I like that holding her as she naps might be the most productive thing I do some days.

6.      I used to really need along time. I now take a shower with the shower curtain ¾ open and her sitting right beside me in the Rock-and-Play.

7.      Speaking of which, when I say, “I’m ready,” I mean “I’ve had a shower.” Ain’t nobody got time for hairbrushes and make-up.

8.      Ceiling fans are the best things ever. I love how happy she is when she opens her eyes and looks up. To see her lounging on the Boppy pillow – smiling at how silly the ceiling fan is – makes every morning better.

9.      She notices new things every day and seems so happy about that…butterflies landing near the deck shrubs, the blue guitar on the radio station canvas, new facial expressions on her dad’s face.  Again, watching her smile at these little things is just the best ever.

10.  I’ve always been a worrier, but goodness gracious, bless the hearts of any medical professional whose number I have.

11.  Breastfeeding is hard and I have transitioned to formula. It just got too difficult to pump and feed at regular intervals when I went back to work. We had been using a bottle for a while though because early on she was spitting up a lot and we had no idea how much she was getting.  The uncertainty of it all was stressful. I wonder if people actually question a parent’s feeding decisions as much as I assume they do …but if you’re one of those judging…just stop.

12.  I question decisions every day and I know I make mistakes every day.

13.  There IS a difference in wipes. We’re currently using Cloud Island.

14.  I never thought I’d say this, but I DID need all of those receiving blankets.

15.  I have OCD tendencies…until she whimpers or looks unhappy. Then nothing else matters.

16.  Backpack diaper bags and Rock-And-Plays are lifesavers.

17.  I never thought I would want to be a stay-at-home mom. I assumed I would get antsy or bored or would feel unproductive. I now completely understand that desire. I love my “boring” weekends with her so very much. With that being said…

18.  I am SO fortunate to have the job I have. Autumn goes with me nearly every day. I have co-workers who don’t mind diapers being changed behind them, who talk to her every time they walk by, who mention her on the radio when doing remotes, who have already bought her Christmas presents, who send me texts that say “She makes all of our days brighter!”, who just ignore the diaper bag, car seat, and sleeper laying around the office, who clean up spit-up off the floor, etc. I love my work family.

19.  If I’m being honest, I used to see a parent riding in the backseat while the other one drove and thought it was silly. I’ve yet to ride in the front seat when Jamie is also in the car.

20.  I don’t even really notice formula on my shirt anymore.

21.  I never knew I would get so excited about a dirty diaper…or tell people about it.

22.  Have a $4000 deductible? Uh, no you don’t. You have an $8000 deductible if you have a baby. We just assumed she and I would be counted as one person. She is, of course, priceless and we were very happy with the hospital and our doctor, but I thought this misconception might be good to highlight for expectant parents.  

23.  Scarfing down food one-handed is a thing.

24.  I still haven’t figured out sling wraps.  

25.  I didn’t really understand the “don’t touch their hands” obsession until now.

26.  Her crossing her little hands is the cutest thing ever. 

27.  I’ve yet to figure out why some people continue talking (usually about unnecessary things) when a child is crying (or a dog is barking…I used to think that was crazy).

28.  I didn’t know I would be so foolish.

29.  I didn’t know I would call her “sister” and “girlfriend” so much.

30.  Gas drops are as great as everyone said they would be.

31.  The first time I saw real tears, it absolutely broke my heart.

32.  Swaddling seems easy enough. Ha, we had to practice.

33.  I feel very fortunate to share this experience with my best friend since Kindergarten. I’m sure we never thought we would be having our first kid at 38/39 years old.

34.  She is the best thing Jamie and I have ever done and she is the best part of every day. We thought we knew love before.