Delicious Ambiguity, Part II

I opened Friday's post with a Gilda Radner quote and suggested that a more in-depth discussion would frame Monday's entry. Obviously, I then followed that little nugget of intrigue with a review of the cheese and ground cumin available at Kountry Kitchen. Here's a refresher, however, for those of you who, for some reason, don't memorize everything I say: "Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity..."

I will acknowledge upfront my uncertainties about this quote; not necessarily on the meaning, but on my thoughts regarding it. I'm just not sure which part resonates with me the most, if and how the various components even really do. I want to discuss, therefore, based on my peculiar interest in "delicious ambiguity" as opposed to some well-thought out analysis of or emotional reaction to Radner's words. First and foremost, what a great phrase, pure and simple - vague, yet vivid; arguably indulgent, yet potentially quite practical. It avoids the trappings of both tongue-twister and annoying alliteration. It sounds intellectual, but also playfully spirited. It seems appropriately said with a wry smile and scrunched nose. It is a two-word phrase I wish I had coined.

My initial interest in the quote stemmed from uncertainties in my life that arose over the past month or so. Even though at times, and under seemingly difficult circumstances, I am able to retain a "roll with the punches" attitude, this past month has been particularly trying for me. There have been pity parties - shared only with the two people who I trust the most and more so than not, with myself - where I willingly imbibed "woe is me." There has been curtness and avoidance and silence. There have been restless nights and 4:00 am frosted flakes and facebook adventures. And while the sugary, artificial grain puffs may have been, "not knowing" seemed far from delicious.

There came a day, however, when I just basically forced myself to examine how selfish I was being. I couldn't predict what other people were going to do, or what a bank representative might tell me, or even where I would be living in a month, but I still had complete control over my responses and my choices. Maybe my options weren't ideal, maybe my choices were limited, but they were mine nonetheless. Just as in the past when I have had jobs that I really didn't like, I would tell myself "you can do anything for 6 months," in this case, I told myself "you can work with what you have." I was not concluding that something good would come of it (in fact it might suck. A lot. - I 100% do not believe that things necessarily happen for a reason), but instead, embracing the sense of peace that came from acknowledging uncertainty, an acceptance that subsequently forced me to create or reevaluate paths less traveled. At that moment, I slept.

What I was doing, and what I think many people are tempted to do, was equating not knowing with having no sense of control. Let's reserve that emotion for those who may never voice it, but who so much more deserve it: those who, for example, live with chemotherapy and surgeries and doctors appointments and those who so unselfishly and lovingly support them, not a 29-year-old educated woman who may have to find another job or place to live. I realize that pain and anger and frustration can't always be relative; if something bothers us, it is a legitimate concern. Nonetheless, there's much to be said for getting over ourselves, for seeing the deliciousness, rather than the pity party potential, in ambiguity.
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No ambiguousness here: Fried, sugar-coated dough can never be bad.
Doughnut Holes with Strawberry Jam
35 min (3 hrs. including dough rising); 8 Servings
Starter
3/4 tsp. active dry yeast
1/4 c. plus 1 tbsp. warm water
1/2 c. all-purpose flour
Dough
3/4 tsp. active dry yeast
2 tbsp. milk, warmed
1 tsp. salt
3 Large egg yolks
2 tbsp. unsalted butter, melted
3 tbsp. sugar
Jam
1 pint strawberries (12 ounces)
1 1/2 c. sugar, plus more more coating
Vegetable oil for frying

1. Make the starter: In a medium bowl, dissolve the yeast in the water. Mix in the flour. Cover with plastic and let rise in a warm place until doubled in bulk, 1 hour.
2. Make the dough: In a standing mixer (use dough hook if you have one), dissolve the yeast in the milk. Add the flour, salt, egg yolks, butter, sugar, and the starter mix until dough forms a ball. Scrape the dough into a bowl (greased with cooking spray or Crisco), cover and let rise (1 hour).
3. Meanwhile, make the jam. In a saucepan, simmer the strawberries (or any berry of choice) with 1 1/2 c. sugar over moderate heat until thickened, about 25 minutes. Scrape the jam into a bowl and let cool for 1 hour.
4. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. On a floured surface, roll out the dough 1/2" thick. Stamp out 1-inch round doughnut holes (in honor of this post, I used a shot glass:)). Reroll the scraps and repeat. Transfer to the baking sheet and cover with a damp cloth. Let stand for 15 minutes.
5. In a pan, heat 1" of oil to 325 degrees. Fry holes until golden (2 minutes - they cook quickly, be ready to turn them immediately). Drain and then roll in sugar. Serve hot, with jam.

*By the way, I had a great wrap for lunch today that you all should try: shaved pepper turkey (from the Marrowbone Marathon), spinach leaves from Mom's garden, homemade hummus from last week's post, colby-jack cheese, light miracle whip, sliced olives.