Tuesday, April 23, 2013

"I'm happy enough."

Sometimes I have to remind myself that no one has their shit together the way I think they do.
The other day I had a bit of a breakdown.  In the middle of a perfectly unemotional, run-of-the-mill conversation, I suddenly began to unload a whole host of insecurities at the doorstep of a trusted friendship.  You name it, I probably worked it into my babble; things such as:
-"I just want to feel like I'm making the 'right' decisions. I just want things to feel 'right.'"
-"I want to feel confident in my choices, no matter how seemingly insignificant they are."
-"I am almost 33 and don't have children."
-"I'm scared I'm too jaded to be able to really love and too much of a wanderer to accept real devotion."
-"I don't know why I feel the way I feel."
-"I'm worried I'll never be happy with myself."
-"I want to be 'settled,' but I don't want to settle."
-"Other people seem so content with their lives as they are. I want that, but I don't want to be bored."
-"I have no idea what is going to make me truly happy." (See title)
-"What is most frustrating is that I think I have the courage to make tough decisions if I only knew what the hell I was supposed to do. The thing is, I just don't know."

His response? (paraphrased)...
"Do you know how many people think you are the happiest person alive?  If they hear you talk or see your Facebook stuff, they would never guess you worry about any of this. And in that line of reasoning, you're probably giving other people far too much credit as well.  No one knows the answers to this stuff. Well, not really at least. If they do, they've probably just taken a safe path - the one someone else likely set out for them -and haven't taken the time to question.  It's okay to not have the answers.  Hoping for some clear-cut direction will only lead to disappointment.  Just live your life."

I think that's probably pretty good advice.

And I offer this, not to put my cynicism and self-absorption on display, but to remind you that we all experience doubt and confusion; that we are all seeking something intangible that we will likely fumble over when trying to describe; that we are all screwed up in our own ways.  And while I refuse to use these insecurities as steeping stones to some gilded, touchy-feely "it takes the dark to see the light" reassurances, I will say that simply knowing no one else has themselves figured out anymore than I do, is comforting.  So, thank you all, for being equally messed up.;)
If any of you have ever considered or "seen" me the way I describe above, keep in mind that a friend posted this on my Facebook wall not too long ago. ...and that it isn't entirely outlandish.
Sometimes others' perceptions ARE, however, more keen than our own self-image...

Southern Peach Pork Chops (Except I didn't use peaches...)
From Good Housekeeping's, "Fast Weeknight Favorites" Cookbook

1 tbsp. curry powder
1 tbsp. brown sugar
1 tbsp. olive oil
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. ground cinnamon
Pinch of ground black pepper
1 garlic clove, crushed
4 bone-in pork chops
4 large peaches, each cut in half and pitted (did not have any)
1/2 c. peach or apricot jam or preserves (I only had grape)

In a cup, stir first 7 ingredients with a fork until blended.  Rub on both sides of the pork chops. If using fruit, brush cut side of each peach half and one side of chops with some jam. Place peaches, jam side down, and chops, jam side up, on grill over medium heat.  Grill 5 minutes.  Turn chops and peaches. Brush grilled side of chops with jam and grill 5 minutes longer.  Transfer peaches to serving platter as they are browned.  Cook pork chops 4-5 minutes more and transfer to serving platter.


  1. I had similar feelings years ago, before I got married and had kids. I had many experiences and unfortunately; many relationships. I always had the feeling of love and excitement at first, then when it faded, I became restless because I didn't think that was how it should be. Finally, a trusted friend explained to me how love in a relationship is a feeling at first; an initial attraction that grows into a consuming feeling filled with stomach butterflies and all that exciting stuff. But when the "feeling" fades into "feelings" that come here and there, then love becomes a decision. The decision that everyday, no matter what the day brings, I'm going to love and respect this person. I'm not going to start wandering, I'm going to stay right here and love this person. Real life is not like life in the cute, romantic, indie flicks we all love. There are moments that are like that, but there are many more moments that are just "blah". Seriously, take a man and a woman, throw in a couple kids and make them live in the same house day after day....it's gonna suck from time to time. It's human nature. But you make a decision together, that during the "blah" times and times that suck, you're going to work together and make it fun and make the best of it. And before long, you'll have a cute little romantic moment to remind you of why you got into all this. That's life (or should I say married with children life)...and you to realize and embrace what it is before you can have it. And if you don't want that, stay single. Movies, TV, books, music, etc. have given everyone such a false sense of what love is. Anyways, sorry for the long rant...my point was that once I realized and accepted all this, I was able to settle down and have a beautiful family.

    1. Oh, I didn't think it was a "rant," and you certainly don't need to apologize. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and to offer such a thoughtful comment. It's nice to hear other people's perspectives who have been where I am, but have moved on to another life. Thank you for being realistic, but hopeful. I enjoyed reading your comment.:)

  2. Anyone who "has their shit together" cannot be very interesting. Or at least that's what I tell myself.

    --Your Equally Messed-up Friend

    1. Yep, I'm going to steal this. Seems completely legitimate to me.
      --Your "interesting" friend